Random Walk

Apparently, I am Extroverted, Conscientious, Neurotic and Open

2011-07-25T06:03:00.002+02:00

I'm trying out one of those personality test in the net out of boredom (Monday morning and I'm out of things to do already?? @_@). Unexpectedly, I feel like it really suits me. You think??

Extroversion:
You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time".

Conscientiousness:
You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:
You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.

Neuroticism:
You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great admirer of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Kent Keith - People Are Often Unreasonable

2011-07-25T05:52:00.000+02:00

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may just never be enough;
Give the world the best you have anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it's all between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

(From "Do It Anyway: The Handbook for Finding Personal Meaning and Deep Happiness in a Crazy World")

Another reminder for me.

Monday morning

2011-07-25T05:35:00.003+02:00

The best strategy I learned from my boss is... how to play the ball in shifting responsibility.
I'd claim that I was such a naive girl when I first join the company. I look forward to responsibilities as it means that I am trusted and that could be a way to improve myself. SO WRONG I was. Responsibilities are good, but you would be wiser if you could share, or even, shift the responsibilities to other people as soon as you're done 'playing' with it.

Scheming. I don't like it at first.
But I guess it's survival, that I sooner learn to adjust myself and began to take up responsibilities and shift them to someone else as soon as I'm done learning things out of it.

Well, boss, you should be proud of yourself for being successful in 'training' me.

This morning, the boss asked me for a project that has been long due. Not because I haven't finished it, it's been idling long enough in my desk waiting to be hand in to the boss. It's because he's been in an extended leave and then when he returned, he spent his time tackling more pressing matters, that I've been keeping the stuff in my desk.

So there. I've submitted my overdue tasks, and added a little bit more for him to review. That now I could be relieved a little until he finished his reviews.

I stumble upon this on a friend's blog. I like it, so I decided to share it here...

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for,
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love,
for your dreams,
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow,
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain,
mine or your own,
without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy,
mine or your own.
If you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips
of your fingers
and toes without cautioning us to be careful,
be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you're telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own
soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty
everyday,
and if you can source your life from God's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine,
and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the
full moon, "YES"!!

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you
have.
I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair,
weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the
children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and
not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls
away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself,
and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
(Spiritual Quotient Danah by Danah Zohar and Ian Marshall)

Have a nice Monday, people ^-^

Hilarious :D

2011-07-22T04:51:00.002+02:00

So I was browsing through the net for a cool hang-out places in a country I'm going to visit for my one-week worth work training. Somehow, I stumble upon a chat board discussing facts about the country.

Down along the thread, they were discussing about the fact of the country's young male have to do compulsory time in the army. Here's what makes me laugh:

"but then still, is there anyway or reasons for the guys to avoid NS? jay didnt attend his NS too..."

I laughed right there.
I got it that the writer must be teenage girl in her early years. It's just hilarious that she'd make Jay (which I assume as Jay, the Kpop idol) as the example. Not just because they're not talking about Korea, but also somehow shows you how teens are sometimes just picking things their idols do and don't really look further if it's applicable in their realm or not :D

2011-06-21T11:28:00.001+02:00

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

There's no good in our goodbye-ing

2011-06-21T05:47:00.003+02:00

I still couldn't find the good in goodbye.

Sure, I could live without. But I can't help but think how good it is if things were... as it was.

I can't help but feel living life for the sake of living it some times. No desire, no passion, nothing. Since living or not is not my decision, I just have to live while I am. That's it.

Another place, another time, another world, another life. If only I know there's still "another", I might look forward to life more than I am right now ya?! ;p

Selagi babe ga ada...

2011-05-27T05:56:00.003+02:00

Si Bos cuti 2 hari buat ujian.
Hoorraayyy \(^.^)/ bebas merdeka deh gw 2 hari ini. Not that I completely don't have anything to do juga sih. But the loads relatively decreasing pada saat2 babe gak ada. At least setelah mengeluarkan report2 rutin itu, I have more time to spend.

So I read a book. Shopaholic and baby.
Udah lama banget ga baca buku2 ringan begitu, jadi agak sulit memulainya. But it's going smoothly once I started kok. Namanya juga buku ringan, enak aja bacanya gak pake mikir banyak. So I finished it in one day.

Nonton film.
Yah, namanya juga babe gak ada, bisa pulang tenggo dong. So I went to see "Limitless".
It was an OK movie. Better than "Source Code", but not extra-ordinarily mind blowing kaya "Inception". It's true that we only use a little part of our brain, which got me thinking, I used to be obsessed to maximize the brain's utilization while I was in college, what the hell happen to that ya? When did I loose that obsession and why?

I also watched some DVD at home. "500 days of summer", which I had actually watched sometimes ago. Awalnya sih gak inget film-nya tentang apa, tapi begitu mulai..it all beginning to dawn on me. Huuummppph.... Not as special as people said about it. Mungkin yang buat beda itu, ending-nya yang gak mainstream: peran utama co ga dapet peran utama ce yang dia idam2kan. I felt a bit slapped, when it comes down to the part where summer tried to explain her being married while she always against the idea of dating. You'll know when it's there. Segimanapun lo merasa compatible dengan seseorang, walaupun semua terlihat baik2 aja, there still need that "spark" to know that (s)he's the one. And there's nothing you could do to impose that spark to other people. It's either there. Or not. Menghapuk sekali rasanya...

Then there's "Waiting for forever". I like this one better, walaupun ending-nya biasa banget. Happy end, where the guy gets the girl. One thing that hit me is... how 'obsessed' is the guy about the girl. There's nothing special in the story they share, she's just every other girl there is to be, but it's...her. Nothing could explain how special she is for him, but he feels it for her. And when it's time to let go, because it's what she wants... he lets go. I made a mental note to self there: berserah. Segimana pun gw paksain things to work, if it's not meant to be, it won't work. Sama aja, segimana pun beratnya saat ini, if I were meant to be with someone else, sooner or later... I'd let go.

Masih ada weekend menjelang, what should I do next ya? ;)

Dear YOU

2011-05-26T04:24:00.003+02:00

Hey you. Yeah you!
How are you doing?
I haven't been in touch with you lately. Partly because I know you wanted your space and distance. Partly because I have to admit that I, too, have to have my distance to get over you.

I haven't had that much luck tho.
I still think about you from time to time. Mostly when I'm alone with my own thoughts.
There are also lots of time when my mind just skipped to remember you, even when I'm out with my friends. Like yesterday, when people were talking about American Idol 2011. Though I don't give a damn about the show, I found myself googling for the result. Has you idol win?

I know this sounds old.
How have you been doing? How is work? What have you been doing beside work?
Have you been eating well? What's new?
I want to know. I've been containing myself not to bother you with those naggy stuffs, it's ok just to write it down here, no?

I miss you. I hope you're doing well.
Because I'm trying to do well. For you.

A day in my life

2011-05-24T03:22:00.003+02:00

Having diagnosed with meningitis, I still suffer from a weak ability in recent memory. That is to say, I have difficulty recovering my recent memory, and probably...store it in the long-term memory compartment. I was told to make a diary the day after, to make a habit of recalling my days and thus helping my recent memory to get better.

Oh well. If I really have to do it, I might as well write in my blog, no?
So it will get personal sometimes. Emotional. Or maybe there won't be much in a day. But anyway, it's better than not doing nothing and keep this blog empty, no?

Now, let's start with what happen yesterday.
It was the Air Asia big sale day yesterday. Well, the start of it, at least. And off course, the Air Asia's site is jammed. I want to find tickets to go to Tokyo or Paris. Both, if I could, but either one of them...at least. My luck has never been that great to begin with, so yeah...needless to say, I couldn't even get to the last step of making payment to good offers.

But all's resolved now. A friend who's also going to Paris had secured 3 tickets! For me, the friend, and her sister. So yeay.... Wait for me Paris!

Paris has always been special to me.
Unlike Jakarta, though I've been here for several years, I feel more at home in Paris than here. Off course, nothing beat Bandung ;) My life in Paris was not THAT smooth, was never too sweet and sometimes even difficult. But somehow I survive. The city gives me a self-heal energy. Unlike here, where I'm sucked in my own suffering thoughts. Sounds crazy enough?

On work....
My boss asked for training history. It's a good thing that the online employment platform in my company keep track of what training I've taken. So I just copied it out from there. But he also want training history from when I wasn't an employee there. Now, tell me, how could I even figure that out? I even have difficulty in remembering what I ate yesterday?!
Oh, I finally found out who's gonna be interning in my division. Actually, there are 2 people, and basically the other one is Ryan's responsible. But somehow, I think I'm the one who's going to work harder because of it. So I asked for a meeting with the human capital people, to know what is asked out of these people and what is it exactly my part here. It is a bit disappointing to know that they don't really have any idea of how it's going to be. Okay, so it's the first batch, but they must have had some idea of what they want and how to do it, when they first launched the program, no? I don't feel like I want to be part of a program who doesn't think about optimizing young people's potential, but then again...I'm not sure I could say no to having an intern. Going to meet the human capital people again tomorrow. They better provide me with satisfying answer...

On love, relationship, or what ever it is you'd call it...
Well, to make things simpler, I still could not get over him. But life has been running pretty normal lately though, it's just that when I'm alone, I caught off guard and let my mind wanders. I'm trying to take things one step at a time. I'm trying to teach the heart to understand how things are now and not to hope for more. Between that, and accepting that I'm not as healthy as I was before... I couldn't decide which one is easier :P

Yeay! \(^.^)/

2011-05-19T05:18:00.002+02:00

So I finally updated my long-time abandoned blog.

Sebenernya masih seneng sama template yang kmaren, tapi sepertinya I need a new air to start fresh, jadinya diganti deh. Green, something refreshing, yang gak Angie banget. But hey, the spirit is to boost my mood-kan? Jadi wajar dong kalo pake sesuatu yang ga biasa??

Here's to start a brand new day...
Bismillah.

The Zahir

2010-08-29T10:47:00.004+02:00

I remember reading the book some years ago on my way to Paris. I am currently re-reading it.

But Esther had disappeared and left clues that were visible only to me, as if it were a secret message: I'm leaving.

WHY?

Is that a question worth answering?

No. Because hidden in the answer is my own inability to keep the woman I love by my side. Is it worth finding her and persuading her to come back? Begging and imploring her to give our marriage another chance?

That seems ridiculous: it would be better merely to suffer as I had in the past, when other people I loved had left me. It would be better to just lick my wounds, as I had also done in the past. For a while, I'll think obsessively about her. I'll become embittered, I'll bore my friends because all I ever talk about is my wife leaving me. I'll try to justify what happened, spend days and nights reviewing every moment spent by her side, I'll conclude that she was too hard on me, even thought I always tried to do my best. I'll find other women. When I walked down the street, I'll keep seeing women who could be her. I'll suffer day and night, night and day. This could take weeks, months, possibly a year or more.

Until one morning, I'll wake up and find I'm thinking about something else, and then I'll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover, and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again, I'm sure. When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive - I'll find love again.

Just what I needed.
I knew it. I knew all that was written. It's just been difficult to tell my heart not to take over my head. It's been like hell, trying to shut the heart up. But as I read the above passage, it's as if I'm telling myself what I already knew. It's as if someone's affirming that I could be strong tho currently I feel so weak.

So yes. I could be strong.
Right now, I'm just waiting for today to finally be that someday.

on relationships...

2009-11-22T15:23:00.002+01:00

"My Boo"
(Usher feat. Alicia Keys)

[Usher intro:]

There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo

[Alicia intro:]
I don't know bout you all
But I know about us and uh
It's the only way we know how to rock
I don't know bout you all
But I know about us and uh
It's the only way we know how to rock

[Usher Verse:]
Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and people screaming your name
Girl I was there when you were my baby

[Chorus (Usher):]
It started when we were younger you were mine my boo
Now another brother's taken over but its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other in awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger you were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo

[Alicia Verse:]
Yes I remember boy
Cause after we kissed I could only think about your lips
Yes I remember boy
The moment I knew you were the one I could spend my life with
Even before all the fame and people screaming your name
I was there and you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger you were mine my boo
Now another brother's taken over but its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other in awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger you were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter how I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo

[Chorus (Usher):]
It started when we were younger you were mine my boo
Now another brother's taken over but its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other in awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia & Usher:]
I don't know bout you all
But I know about us and uh it's the only way we know how to rock
I don't know bout you all
But I know about us and uh it's the only way we know how to rock

Dear Brain,

I think it's ok to take a break for a while.
I really NEED you to stop thinking about it. How about letting it go with the flow for once?

Love,
Self.

It's Monday!

2009-10-26T05:04:00.002+01:00

Never liked one, but I don't despise it as much as I usually do today. Thanks to a certain you ;)

Love this quote....

Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes
- the ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules and
they have no respect for
the status quo. You can praise
them, disagree with them,
quote them, disbelieve them,
glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing that you
can't do is ignore them.
Because they change things.
- Jack Kerouac (quoted in an Apple Computer Ad, 1997)

The Road Not Taken

2009-10-20T11:08:00.000+02:00

The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
(Robert Frost)

I first came to know this poem more than a decade ago. Even from my first read, I've already liked the poem. Due to my limited knowledge at that time, I only took it literally before.

I. Took the one (road) less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.

The young, idealist, and starved for freedom me was so inspired by that.
I don't have to follow the mainstream. People don't have to agree to everything that I do. But as long as I believe what I am doing is right, because of this poem, I feel like it is worth to do.

As the years gone by. Lots of things happened. I came to see what is between the lines. More often than not, I look back to past actions, sigh, and recite the poem with probably more an irony than literal. That I have took the one (road) less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

Had I taken a different way before, I might have arrived at a different spot right now. Had I took the one (road) often traveled by, I might not endure as much hardship as I did. Or probably, I'd have more people to turn to when troubled. More people who'd understand the situation.

I've been there before.
Being in a spot where I need affirmations, someone to tell that what I am doing worth the while. That being different is not all bad, and that keeping my idealism, doing what I think is right even though I know doing it differently is easier, is the right thing for me to do.

And through those times, I look back and reread this poem, then I'll find what I needed.
More than affirmations from people around me, I found the affirmations from within myself. That I, am okay with taking the one (road) less traveled by. No matter where I'll end up later, whether I've made all the differences, in a positive or not-so-positive ways, at least I know....I have live my life the way my heart desired it to be. It might not be smooth-sailing, I might stumble here and there, face rejections from people, hit some walls, and I might not get all those shiny things I might have get if I choose the other one. But at least I get to keep peace with my own self. And THAT, for me, has made all the differences.

...

2009-07-13T15:51:00.006+02:00

Since I got back, I have been commented on various things by various kind of people. From my close friends, friends that I seldom see but keep good relation with, even to the people that just see me once or twice a year. Some of the things they commented..

1. Why do you think in English, and not Indonesian?
Not in the way of thinking kind of way, but more like...when I'm talking to myself, or counting, or...thinking. I do it in English.
I don't know why I do that. Out of a habit probably? What is funny is that, one of the friend that I seldom see but keep good relation with said that I'm snob because I think in English. It's not that at all. I just do. Probably because most of the information I read, or hear, are in English, so it became a habit for me.

2. Why do you know what A is in Japanese and not Indonesian, and other times you know what B is in French and not in Indonesian?
Once again, I don't know. But I found there are some words that I know in Japanese, or French, or German, or English, that could not be translated easily in Indonesian. As in...when I find to find the word in Indonesian, I end up explaining the word in two words or more.

3. Why are you so uptight? This is Indonesia, not Europe, forget the rules.
THIS. I have to tell you, is the most annoying of all. I know that this is Indonesia. But does that really mean that we can't follow the rules when it's not convenient to us? I don't even think that rules are supposed to be convenient. I know it makes me look like I'm too uptight, but who cares? I'm not the one breaking the rules when it's not convenient for me. I don't care what people say, I don't think it's a bad thing to do, so I'm going to try to keep the behavior.

Today, I met someone who -more or less- is as uptight as me.
Kinda surprised, there's actually someone like that here, in Indonesia. I know there's bound to be someone, but I just never met any. And that's what makes me so happy and surprise to see one. My friends said that he looks weird. I didn't comment. So what? I'm probably called weird too by them when I'm not around. Or by other people.

I might be different. I don't mind. I'm not doing anything wrong.

uhmm.

2009-07-08T15:47:00.002+02:00

Wednesday.
National holiday due to the election.

20H52

And there are still people in the office.

LIFE? Anyone?

On the presidential election.

2009-07-03T04:33:00.003+02:00

None of the presidential hopefuls appealed to me thus far. Doesn't mean I'm not interested or following though.

I am amazed that from the moment they announce the presidential candidates, the one thing the parties and people talk about is RELIGION.
Does it matter so much if one candidate's WIFE wear scarf over her head or not? (I thought it was to be worn by choice? ). Does practicing a different religion would make a person less capable in being a candidate for presidency?
As if there aren't enough issues to discuss. As if there aren't enough conflict on differences already. Yeah, "in unity we stand", the say, whatever happen to that???

The, earlier in the campaign, one of the presidential hopefuls was asked what does his opinion about KDRT (a commond abbreviation on Kekerasan Dalam Rumah Tangga, Indonesian for Domestic Violence, DV). And guess what did he say?
He asked what KDRT is! Uhmmm...hello, I know it's an abbreviation, but considering the situation nowadays, I bet the abbreviation comes up every an hour lately. And he didn't know what KDRT is?? @_@ And he tried to get out of it (after he was explained what KDRT stands for) by saying "Oh, I know such cases as Mrs. C (national singer which recently involved in DV), but I don't know what KDRT stands for because I've never done it." Uhhhhmmmm...yeah. Rite. Presidential candidate.

Oh! And to make things more interesting! One candidate's team spokesman made a politically incorrect comment. He said it was not yet time for the country to be led by a member of the Bugis ethnic group, the predominant ethnicity in South Sulawesi. WTH? And what makes him a presidential candidate's spokesman in the first place?

On a lighter note. I couldn't help but laugh every time after the presidential candidates debate airs on TV. People comment on how the debate was lively or not. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the debates were held NOT for your entertainment. To see how lively it was. But for your further information to choose one of them to lead you, and this country, for the next 5 years. So the things that should be considered are, do you understand what they're saying? Was it informative for you, so as to help you decide which candidates' political view suits you or which leadership type would you choose? Does it really matter if it was lively or not?

(it amazed me, that the simplest comment on how the candidates' vision seem not to be much different than the other made me miss my political game theory course for a moment)

The blunder made by the general election commission (KPU) just shows further how unprepared they are for the election. I am sorry, but I'd think it's natural to expect that the commission would come up with a politically correct campaign on the election method.

Errrmm....you wouldn't want me to go on about it. So I'll stop. I just need to comment, I was hoping to have a better, politically knowledgeable candidates (and their teams). I guess I was hoping too much? Good thing it's all coming to an end SOON.

oh, p.s:
On the last debate, the presidential hopefuls were asked, what would they do if they were not elected. And here's what they said:
Candidate #1: I will dedicate myself to, and fight for, Indonesian people
Candidate #2: I will congratulate the winner and ask all of my constituents to support the new president. May God bless all of us (selfnote: somehow I found the saying 'may God bless all of us' is the equivalence of 'for world peace' in beauty peagents, a winning guarantee???)
Candidate #3: The best candidate will win this election; I will respect the winner, including if I am the best one. Other wise, I will return home, take care of the mosque, education, and peace efforts. (call me cynical, agnostic, whatever, but hey! Look! He mentioned mosque first than education ;p)
(Taken from The Jakarta Post online)

And being the crooked minded me, I wish to see candidate #3 to loose, just to see if he'll really quit Jakarta and back to his hometown for sure *I am allowed to have my doubts, right? ;D*

Back???

2009-07-02T18:28:00.003+02:00

How do you explain, being back where you should be and yet feeling much more estranged than you've ever been in your whole life?

I wouldn't say I'm having cultural shock. I just picked up....different values. Some are good (and I intend to keep it), and some are bad (I admit it, though it's been so hard to get rid of it). It's just that...being the stubborn person I am, I don't see why I should change what I considered to be a good value, just because it made me different. Different from what I used to be, and different from everybody here.

Anyhow, I'm back. For now? For good? I can't really tell right now. I only hope I don't regret my decision of coming back.

2008-03-01T23:56:00.002+01:00

ON HIATUS

Coz most of the time I don't feel like posting just for the sake of posting. And life's taking all the time I could afford right now. Soo...... see you when I see you ?

how assuring...

2008-01-16T01:47:00.000+01:00

"...There are many confusing things in the

world, but this is not one of them."

-Itzhak Gilboa in his "Lecture notes on the Theory of Decision under Uncertainty"
on explaining 'acts that do not depend on the state of the world' in Savage' Theorem

Mood : - on the verge of breaking down

just because...

2007-11-19T09:56:00.000+01:00

...it feels like it's been FOREVER since the last time I wrote something here...

1. Finally dropping the course.
I'm dropping what people say probably the easiest course of the semester (they lie! Nothing is easy here). It's just difficult to follow when your interest is not there. And I'd rather suffer doing the things I understand and interested in then just do something because it's a safe choice to make.

I guess I still have that idealist thought in me.

2. I'm irritated
I'm bored to dead having to deal the French' behavior. They live to nag. Seriously.

3. This has been my home-page for almost a week now.
It's almost a week since the transportation strike start, and the site is becoming part of my life. More than my own blog, more than the meteo I used to see everyday before getting ready to go...even more than the prof' homepage from where I should download my weekly reading assignments.

4. I'm thinking of changing my lay out.
But I realized I'm too picky when it comes to lay out. I thought that it's time for me to use something not black. But every time I always come up with none other but black. And then there's always faults in the new lay out. It's not nicely alligned, it's too bright, it unnecessarily full with graphics, etc.

I'm afraid I get too used to live the French way by now. I began to nag.

At the end I choose to leave it as it is for the time being. Because once I spent more than 10 minutes on picking out lay outs and re-decorating it, I feel guilty that I choose to change my lay out than read one of the journals I have to read this week. So I guess I won't change it until much later.

5. I love the song played in this blog now.
Took me some times to decide whether to put this one, or two others. At the end I choose this cause I feel like I am stronger after listening to this song.

Don't you think it sounds like something LP-ish at the beginning???

Mood : - Indescribable

He said...

2007-10-29T21:55:00.000+01:00

"We live in a world where everybody speaks English...

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . . with accent"

Mood : - LOL

And when things got harder....

2007-10-17T23:12:00.000+02:00

... God send me friends.

I'm stuck in here.
I could not seem to push myself back up. I feel like giving up.
But then you come and help to push me. Took my hands and pull me up.

I'm glad to have meet friends like you guys....

And as corny as it sounds, thank you ^^

Mood : - as corny as it gets

I'm back....

2007-09-30T23:03:00.000+02:00

After some times not being able to post anything. I'm finally back.

Took me some times to settle down in the not-so-new place. A lot of things happened, at the end...I'm just glad that once again, I got through it.

What doesn't kill me only going to make me stronger.
I truly believe that. That's why I could keep on going. Even If I have to go through hell, I'll keep on going.

One thing had change, though.

I miss my partner in crime ^^

Paris is not as beautiful without you...

Nor is it as fun*!

.
.
.

And look how cheesy it made me

*) Tho I bet If BZ or FR were here I wouldn't be as cheesy

Harry Potters.

2007-07-22T19:50:00.000+02:00

Harry Potter and The Order of Phoenix
I've heard people talking about the movie long before I saw it. Most of the didn't really like it. So I guess I watched the movie half-expecting that I would also turn not to like it.

But I didn't. Turn not to like it, I mean.

OK, so the movie was so cut off in many parts that I felt as if I've been cheated. Because I have read the book so many times, I know the storyline too well, that I could gasp every time I saw the plot skipped. Especially on the scenes that I would've guess to be important to portray. And had I not been reading the books, I think I would not really drawn into the story like I was. I personally think that the 135 minutes or so is too short for a Harry Potter movie, though come to think of it, they wouldn't be able to feed the hunger of any Harry Potter fans like me even if they make it 200 minutes long (which is simply impossible).

I've heard some talk about how 'dark' it was, or how it wasn't as good as the 3rd one. Well, if you read the book, you'd notice that it only gets 'darker'. And as Harry Potter is approaching his teen age, I think it's only normal that the age range of the expected viewers also swift. The one thing that I like, that Harry Potter (both movies and books), grow up with its spectators. I was...-well, not so young, but still- younger when I read the first book, watched the first movie. And as I grow up, my way of thinking change, somehow I could still fit Harry Potter in my way of thinking. I didn't grow up thinking that it's too childish of a story, or out dated, etc.

The one thing that I may complain, like I've briefly said before, would be the choice of scenes they take in the movie. There are some scenes which I think would portray the whole emotion of the story in general better, but they didn't put it in. And instead, the put some less important -according to me, at least- scenes. If you only have 135 minutes, why not make the best of it???

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
I have to admit that, I enjoy reading this one book as much as the previous ones, UNTIL THE LAST CHAPTER.

No, I will not talk about things that may contain spoilers here.

I am just saying that I am partly glad that the hoax that I've read/heard is not true, and that the ending kills me. I am not against a happy or sad ending...I just thought it could've been better. The ending left me feeling...a bit disappointed. All these while I've been reading Harry Potter as any other fiction I've read (yes, I kinda read and take it like Dan Brown' Deception Point and that sorts). But the ending makes me feel as if it's nothing but another bedtime story, another cinderella-kinda-tale.

It just could be A LOT BETTER.

Calvin and Hobbes...my role model?

2007-06-27T17:02:00.001+02:00

And I wonder....

How come I fall asleep on the first paragraph every time I try to read MWG. And how come not a single definition or theorem from the list of 100 or so definitions and theorems that should be memorized by the next 14 days is patched on my memory, no matter how many times I've read them.

Instead, I've read the 500+ pages book plus handout of the subject that I know I should be worried about the least.

*Taken from the comic strip by Bill Watterson

There you go. Calvin answers all your problem.

Obviously in my case, there's an inverse relationship between how important something is for me and how much I enjoy it.

If only life can be lived on doing only the things that we enjoy to do the most....

Mood : - Thinking

ひきこもり

2007-06-12T23:11:00.000+02:00

Solitude is fine, but you need someone to tell you that solitude is fine.
-Honore de Balzac-

当たり前が出来てない簡単でもわかったふりはもうやめよう

*Picture credit to Alpha

Mood : - Indescribable

...

2007-05-28T07:31:00.000+02:00

I had dreams last night. Nothing special, except the fact that I had dreams. I usually go to sleep dead tired due to my insomnia, but last night I hit the bed early, and I had dreams. They were so real that I still feel numb when waking up this morning.

In the first one, a friend of mine saw my family picture. Heck, it was not even a family picture. It's a picture with most of my family members in it, not all, and definetely not a family picture, coz my family recognized nothing of that sort. So, a friend take a look at that picture, and said "Nice". A simple word, that might not mean anything. She might've lost for words at that time and so it's the only thing she could say. But that made another friend of mine burst into laughing.

"Nice? you might as well look at KAT-TUN' pictures and say they're nice."

I laughed at the comparison.
KAT-TUN and NEWS is these two Japanese idol group. While NEWS seems to bring out the theme "friendship" and "member's ai" as their group motto, KAT-TUN shows off "individualism" and "competition" a lot among the members. So yeah, looking at my family picture and saying that they're nice is as true as looking at KAT-TUN' pictures and said you could feel their member's ai in it. Nothing could be more far off.

The second one is a usual scene in my house.
I got this exam coming and need to rush off to the uni. But apparently the brother had another one of his 'important meeting' with God knows who doing God knows what. While the sister, as usual, need all the attention she could get, and nothing less. So there goes the usual morning in the house, with me being totally invisible, unimportant, except when it comes to the time I have to scrub off the mess the brother and sister had left.

Here's the theory from the book I recently read: Kids chase the love that eludes them, and for me, that was my parents' attention. Heck, I'm not even talking about love here, just a proper attention. They kept it tucked away, like papers in a briefcase. And I kept trying to get in there.

And I guess that's what makes me so sad, waking up this morning. That even after years, the so called me that seems to have been living perfectly well, alone, these past years, have actually keep on chasing on the shadows.

So there goes my week, started with the wrong foot. I feel so bitter that I don't even care of my choice for words.

Mood : - Crappy

Weekend in Bielefeld

2007-04-20T12:28:00.000+02:00

You know it's already weekend when...

you check your mail and found Trockel's newest e-mail.

Then, of course, you would soon learn the irony of simple greetings such as "have a nice weekend/holidays" or "see you on Monday".

Mood : - *sigh*

glad to be back

2007-04-02T20:02:00.000+02:00

Amazing what 3.5 months of paid vacation could do to people.

4 months ago, who would've been so thrilled to come to Trockel's class?? Today, everybody showed up for Micro II. Even when they don't actually have to take it. And they actually came smiling. I wasn't so thrilled at first. When people asked me "How are you?", my answer was just "I'm good. But asked me after 4 hours, I might change my mind." Surprisingly, after 2.5 hours (class ended early! can anyone even imagine Trockel's class ended earlier than it's supposed to??), I am still feeling good.

2.5 hours of Micro II didn't kill my mood! On the contrary, I am feeling a bit excited myself. Being back in the uni, which by now have been filled by people again, makes me feel good.

I guess the excitement doesn't only affect students, but also the prof. Just last semester, the prof said that we (students) have to work hard, and that it is good enough for us to have only 4 hours of sleep every day. Today, he actually said that the course content from last semester might be too densed (gosh...might?? but it's good that you realized it). And that he expect us to work hard, like self-studying 2 hours before every class and 2 hours after. WHAT??? 4 hours of self-studying for every class??? What happen to the 4 hours sleep only??

See what I mean?

A friend, so hyped up to be back to uni, got so disappointed when I told her that this weekend gonna be a very long-weekend (we have Friday and Monday as holiday, easter, I guess). Who, beside Q-Bielefeld students, would be disappointed by a long-weekend??

18h00 to 20H00 class was expected to be fun, no surprises there.

I have to admit, by the end of the day, I am glad to be back. I am even a bit excited to go to 10h00 class tomorrow. It's Finance II, so you know why....

mood : - hyped up

Casshern.

2007-03-14T22:49:00.000+01:00

The story.
Taking place in a dystopian future, after 50 years of war for dominance between the forces of Europa and Eastern Federation, a scienties Azuma come up with a proposal against all maladies due to the exceeding chemical, biological, and nuclear war. He discovered a "neo-cell" that could regenerate human tissue in order to replace a dysfunctioned part of human body. His research could be completed with further financing, but the idea that the original gene in human is imperfect raise a controversy, and no one wanted to invest in the research. At the end, the research was funded by the military.

Azuma's son, Tetsuya, decided to join the army and went to war. Later, he realize that the reality of war, and end up dead.

On the day Tetsuya's body's brought back to his father research center, a lightning strike the conservation pool in which they kept parts of human body to generate the "neo-cell". This had trigger an event that Azuma had not yet figure out on how to do it, bringing back the dead body parts into life. The number of zombie-like people (later referred as "neo-sapiens") raising from the pool are humongous, and in reaction, the military guard went all out on killing them. Some survived, and taking hostage Azuma's wife who happen to come to the center to see their son's dead body.

Left in the messy research center that have been torn apart by the fight between the zombi-like people and the military, Azuma come up with the idea to bring back his son to life. He placed his son in the pool, and despite the unwillingness of his son to come back to life, Tetsuya come back to life. But the effect of the regeneration in some part of his body makes him unstable, Azuma ask an armor scientist friend of his (Tetsuya's fiancee', Luna, father) to look after Tetsuya. And Luna's father tried to complete his latest armor to help Tetsuya stabilized his body.

The rest of the movie involves the ongoing conflict between "neo-sapiens" and the eastern Federation and the role of Tetsuya, who later take the name "Casshern", a guardian spirit of an ethnic group in the sector 7.

The comment.
Although the movie is full of conflicts, war, and disputes, there is also a love story between Tetsuya and Luna, who had been together since they were young.

This had help to calm the tension in watching the movie every now and then. A good distraction from series of disputes that still support the movie.

And the visuals in this movie is just awesome. Each different part of the story's being presented in different color theme. Like death, is represented with a blur white aura around the person; war is always in black and white color; impending doom is represented by orange-yellowish; green and pastel colors for life; and dark-blue and bright red color for the "neo-sapiens". And what about their eye color? Anybody notice that sometimes they would have light-blue eye, I couldn't describe the scenes in which their eyes are light-blue, but I'd like to challenge anyone who had seen this movie...why are they light-blue? (you'd think there must be a point, rite? since it was an easy blooper to notice if they don't mean to do that).

To be completely honest, I have kept the movie file in my harddisk for two days before I decided to watch it today (and that is because I don't have anymore movie to watch). I don't have much expectation when I first start watching this movie. I first downloaded it because it cast Yuusuke Iseya (I was impressed by him in other movie), and the fact that Kaname Jun also cast in it give more motivation in downloading, but not watching. It's the music that helps build up the mood, and with all the visual effects, gives a great affect while watching. Although there are some parts that are not explained in details and left me wondering (I think i would've understand much better if I watched the 1970s animated series), I love to think over it again and again. To catch the symbolic meaning the director trying to convey. I definetely enjoy watching this movie and digesting the storyline in all it's depth.

p.s : Sorry for the pics spam, hope they don't make the page difficult to load. Just feel like makin' captures of the movie, and end up making a little bit too much.

mood : content.

2007-03-04T00:15:00.000+01:00

I'm officially taking a break. From every thing.

mood : - indescribable

still.

2007-02-24T18:44:00.000+01:00

Why would anyone wants to be Mr.know-it-all??

Wouldn't life be so boring when you know everything. Nothing new to discover...

mood : - confused.

GOSH....

2007-02-22T23:28:00.000+01:00

The highlight of today's language course was when a friend insist than Romanian speaks ROMAN language. What he meant was a family of language with the same root (French, Spanish, Italian, etc).

First...
The official language of Romania is Romanian. In English, it's not even Roman. And Rumaenisch in German (since, after all, we ARE studying German here).

Second...
It would have been better if only Romanian (this is the English name for the official language in Romania) was included in the Romance Language (which, as our language tutor said is NOT, and I'd believe her who studied literature AND a Romanian instead of....well, him).

Third...
If only he knows how to stop. Admit that he made a mistake...it would be easier, for everybody. But no, even after the tutor said that Romanian don't speak Roman, and it's not part of the Roman language, PLUS it's not even in German, he still manage to say "Well, there is a Roman language in ENGLISH".

Gossssshhhhhhhh..........
REALLY, which part of DEUTSCHKURS don't you understand???? Oh yeah, that would be the part that you DON'T speak German. And not really willing to learn it BUT you are forced to, because it's compulsory for your scholarship.
And how hard is it to accept that you made a mistake? Do you think you know everything?

I WON'T go to that course anymore. For sure.
It would only makes me dumber AND pissed me off.

mood : - pissed.

on learning new language.

2007-02-12T18:21:00.000+01:00

Tips for those who are in the middle of learning a new language:

''STOP questioning the new language based on other language you've known,,

In class today, often we're stucked when we try to translate one sentence from German to English. Like when you ask "Was bist du von Beruf?", literally in English it would mean "What are you by occupation?" (using google' language tools). But German use that sentence to simply ask "What do you do?/What's your profession?" in English.

WHY? you asked.
Why should they use such complicated arrangement to make that simple sentence?
Well, simple by whose definition?? When you translate, literally, from German to English it might not seem direct. But for Germans, it is.

Or about the tenses.
FYI, in Indonesian we don't know such thing as tenses. When you want to say what will you do next year, you say it in present tense plus the time...NEXT YEAR. And the same thing when you want to tell about something that happen in the past, present tense plus the time...YESTERDAY. Simple, rite?

It might not seem 'logical' if you compare it to English. But it's Indonesian, not English. And it makes sense for Indonesian, that's all that matter, rite?

You are, after all, learning a new language. So free your mind from the previous languages you've known. All the systems of the previous languages do not necessarily applied to the new one you're learning. The only thing a previously known language could do to help you in learning a new one is only to provide you with the meaning of the new words. So you know what is that word signify. But whether you need to conjugate it, how you make up a sentence out of it, the use of tense, it would most probably be different. And you have to know when to stop reasoning one language based on the other.

When you're in Germany, think like Germans. Or France, Indonesia, China, where ever.

In learning languages, I would like to think as if I'm a child and learning to speak. There should be no shame on myself for making a mistake about the grammar, tenses, accent, etc (except if you're around certain people...refer to my other blog). Isn't good? You could be a child, once more. Trying to speak for the first time (but this time, it's in another language), trial and error. Try to figure out what to say on which occasion, what to say and what's not.

Language should be fun. Especially when it's only weighted 2 ects.

speechless.

2007-02-11T19:38:00.000+01:00

I could not find words to describe how I feel about the bank officers in Paris.

1. It takes them forever to do any paperworks.
In Indonesia, for instance, when you want to open a bank account and all of your papers are ready, you could do it in a matter of hours. Off course, it would take you around one week to have your card and book ready, but that's about all.

2. It takes them forever to do anything.
Like making a transfer, it took 4 reminding calls in 4 consecutive weeks and lots of e-mails until the transfer finally received in the other part of the world.
Like printing a check book. Let me see...how long has it been now? 4 months?? I lost count already.

3. Was it stupid? or ignorance?
They obviously know the situation, having us moving from one place to the other (she even said that I have to contact her for any change of address, despite the fact thatI would obviously do so under any circumstances). But when it comes to the time they have to send me mail, they send it to my INDONESIAN address.

4. They are NEVER in the office.
Take this one officer for example, when I contacted her through e-mail last December, I got an auto-reply saying she's out of the office until 6th of January. And then when I contacted her on January the auto-reply said she's out until 2nd of February. Just last week, I try to contact her again, this time the auto-reply simply said that she's in absent. What is this? Did she come to the office only to change her auto-reply settings??

5. Lots...and lots...of bulls**t.
On their website they claimed to be a friendly bank for foreigners, especially for those who don't speak French. But the truth is, you HAVE to speak French to make them work. A friend of mine lost his card and called to the office but nothing were done because they could not communicate. They don't speak anything but French and he doesn't really understand French.

6. Tricky.
When you say 2x24, people would think that means about two days. Two times twenty four hours. But the thing is, with those banks, it means two times twenty four working hours. So if they work from 9 to 6 (9 hours a day), 2x24 means around 5 to 6 days?? No wonder, when they said I should receive my bank statement after 10 days, it's still not here even after one month.

And that's about the general reason as to why I am speechless when it comes to banks in Paris. Yes, it's not just one bank. At least, I've experienced it in two different banks.

in two months...

2007-01-31T20:00:00.000+01:00

A lot can happen in two months time.

A tutor that used to laugh as if he was choked now have another syllable in his laughter. What used to sound "ahak" now turns to "ahahak".

The same tutor, that didn't seem to see problem in any way, and whose favourite quotation is "It's okay" now seems to look the world in a different way. For the first time, today, he said "It's NOT okay".

People change (or at least, so they say). And I think these are for the better, so I don't really mind them.

But then a friend told me today.... "he's (that tutor, still) cute!"

And I am totally shocked!!!
Who is this person sitting beside me?? Who's just talking to me???
Give me back my friend, you psycho...impostor!!!!

I hate to say this but...I've told you!

2007-01-23T15:43:00.000+01:00

I guess it must be the whole university thing. Having no proper university and access to library makes one so excited when they come to study in Bielefeld. And off course, there's the new-semester-let's-make-it-better spirit. So in one course when the professor asked us, do we want assignments and have 20% of the final grade be counted from that assignment, most of people vote: YES. While me and other friend who have stayed here just too long, grinned at each other.

Why would you want to tired down yourself?
You will have the problem sets and will have the tutorial time anyway, so you could still have some exercises if that's what you want. It's just won't be graded, so you don't have to be slaved in this course. Trust me, you don't want to. This is just ONE course. You still got plenty to come. Beside, the level of difficulties won't be much different if it is weighted 50% or 40%.
But off course, it's just me (and probably that other friend too), we're just a couple of lazy people who would do just as much as we have to, to get by.

So the professor decided to give a trial. "Let's see what will you decide after you submit this first assignment", he said last week. And I grinned wider.

Just like how I grin today.
Because now almost all of the class decided they DON'T want the assignment to be graded.

See...I just have to say this. I've told you!

花より男子2

2007-01-22T01:14:00.000+01:00

It's been a while since I 'decorate' my blog with sounds. But usually I have to limit myself with whatever available song which suit my current mood. And the available songs usually are western. Not that I don't like them, but sometimes they are not what really've been playing over and over again in my head. And now, I finally manage to put the songs that's been playing in my head online (although I have to make the sidebar slightly wider).
Yatta! \(^-^)/

My most favourite in the list is the soundtrack of Hana Yori Dango 2 - returns.

The Flavour of Life - Utada Hikaru

「ありがとう」と君に言われると何だか切ない
「さようなら」の後も解けぬ魔法淡くほろ苦い
the flavour of life, the flavour of life

友達でも恋人でもない中間地点で
收穫の日を夢見てる青いフルーツ
後一歩が踏み出せないせいで
焦れったいの何のって baby

「ありがとう」と君に言われると何だか切ない
「さようなら」の後も解けぬ魔法淡くほろ苦い
the flavour of life, the flavour of life

甘いだけの誘い文句味気のない毒
そんなものには興味もそそられない

思い通りに行かない時だって
人生捨てたもんじゃないって

「どうしたの」と急に聞かれると「ううん、何でもない」
「さようなら」の後に消える笑顔私らしくない　

信じたいと願えば願うほど何だか切ない
「愛してるよ」よりも「大好き」のほうが君らしいんじゃない
the flavour of life

忘れかけていた人の香りを突然想い出す頃　
降り積もる雪の白さを思うと素直に喜びたいよ

ダイヤモンドよりも柔らかくて暖かな未来
手にしたいよ限りある時間も君と過ごしたい

「ありがとう」と君に言われると何だか切ない
「さようなら」の後も解けぬ魔法淡くほろ苦い
the flavour of life, the flavour of life

I hope you could enjoy it as much as I do

I could not do it...

2007-01-21T10:29:00.000+01:00

It all began when I broke my glasses.
I didn't sleep with it, I didn't sit -or even step- on it, zi was just wiping the lens. And it broke. It's splitted into two pieces!
And now, while I have it repaired (which took approximately 3 days!) and look for another glasses (it will have to wait, how could I look without my glasses?? I am practically blind!), I have to wear a contact.

The thing is...never in my 13 years of wearing glasses had I ever wear a contact. I remember when I started wearing glasses, a lot of friends and family recommended to wear contacts instead of glasses. It's just a culture I guess, at least from where I came from, a girl's considered prettier without glasses (but then again when was it that I ever been pretty??). And since back then I behaved more like a boy than a girl compared to my friends, I found contact's a disgrace. Why would I wear contacts just to look like a perfect girl in front of every body? And I don't really regret that decision. Life is so much easier with glasses.

Yesterday, I learned how to wear contact in the optician office. I tried for about an hour, until the optician seem to gave up and he asked if I wanted him to do it for me. So I said "Yes please.." I was desperate and my eyes were all red. So there, I could go home with perfect vision again, except that my eyes felt weird. Taking the contacts off last night was so much easier that trying to put them on. So I was relieved, and I thought I might even be able to put them on again today.

But NO.
It's been one hour now and I'm still blind. I could not seem to get those things in my eyes!! How could people live with the torture of wearing a contact everyday, on and off? Is there some secret way to make this less difficult that I don't know of? I don't feel like trying anymore..

but I know I HAVE to!!!

Wheather Report

2007-01-19T01:56:00.000+01:00

Storm is coming (or it already is here?).
And yet, I thought it's only another windy day in Bielefeld >.< site said that there are more coming.

coldhearted

2006-12-23T15:06:00.000+01:00

"Our standard are both high, and uncompromising. Some of you will fail to meet them, we make no apology for that. Because the mission we have been entrusted with; transforming you from civilians into naval officers, is too important." -Annapolis (2006)-

Substitute the words "naval officers" into "scientists", and welcome into the program.

I have just finished watching the movie, and realize that the difference between my program and the naval academy is the fact that people in the naval academy got to wear uniforms. And that's about all.

the end is the beginning is the end.

2006-12-23T01:28:00.000+01:00

It really feels like yesterday, when I missed the train to Bielefeld. Then come a series of hellos, getting to know people, fights, making ups, hanging outs, and now goodbye.

Now it's already that time of the year again, when we have to say goodbye.
Even harder, because it's not just for the holiday. We don't know when will we meet again.

Leaving. Or to be left.
For me, the emptiness feels exactly the same.
Whether you're leaving things and people behind, or you are left behind by things and people.

But again, this is one phase of life that is inevitable, we knew it. After all, this end of our times together will be a beginning of my new experience. And yours, in your new place.

So goodbye. Until we meet again.

The world is round, and the place which may seem like the end may also be the beginning.
Ivy Baker Priest ~

bitter.

2006-12-19T18:17:00.000+01:00

It's an unfair world, out there. I know.
And even if there's such thing as luck, I have long forgot about it. Because I have none.

But what happen to those "work your best" values?
where are all those "learning process" concepts?
At the end, what really matter is to win. Or lose.
What you are is what you got at the end.

And now I feel failed.
Despite all of the hardwork that I've done. No matter how much I've learn to be better all this while. What I am is just a failure.

Just because I choose not to take the easy way.

2006-11-30T18:34:00.000+01:00

Have you seen me?
That nosy, care-free, crazy, and sharped-tongued girl I used to call me?

I think I've lost me.

It's been some times now, that I focus too much to what happen around me.
Not paying enough attention to me.

I guess it's time to start things over again with me.
Spending enough time for me, so that I could find my peace once again.
In me.

confused.

2006-11-25T00:56:00.000+01:00

I always believed...that no one could read someone else's mind.
So if you have something to tell to someone, say it. Don't expect them to know or understand it. Because most probably they won't.

I also realized, on the other hand, that there are some things that are just so hard to say. No matter how hard you try, you can't find the right words to say it. And yes, I agree, that at those times you would have no choice but not to say whatever it is you wanted people to know.

But.
One thing that I noticed.
Aren't people tend to do things that they weren't really meant to?
Why do they do that, I could not figure it out until now.

If you have something for people to know, why don't you just say it?
If you can't say it, why did you do something the opposite instead?
Why do you make people think that you're bad if you wanted to show them you're good but could not really express it?

For simple-minded people like me, it makes things so complicated.

How should I tell, which one is the one that you really mean right now???

mood :

Another one.

2006-11-03T00:13:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, on my optimization class.
The professor was talking about the second order condition on the theorem of lagrange.

He was soooooo fast, both in writing and explaining, that I think nobody could hardly even follow him. Some were still trying to catch up with him, at least in writing. And some were just about to give up. When he suddenly stopped, turned, and asked,

"Do you want me to write it step by step, or I could jump?"

We could barely follow him and now he asked if he could jump????

"Well Sir, If you jump. I'll JUMP."

Passion -alone- is NOT enough.

2006-10-31T00:12:00.000+01:00

This is what happen on my mondays:

I sit there.

Trying so hard to keep my eyes open.
Even harder, not to yawn.

Keep on changing my position, hoping to find a sitting position that could help me to stay awake.

Thinking.
What time is it now?
D*rn! why is the time always move so slow at moments like this?

Looking to the person talking in front of me.
Why does he look so happy?
excited? Over indifference curves that could never tangent to each other beside on that point?

He's really not bad.
And PLUS, he is so passionate about his field, which is sehr gut!*
Usually, I would be influenced by other's passion on something, and would like to know more about it, find out if it is really that interesting.
But now, I guess passion -alone- is not enough.

That must be the most tormenting 3 hours of my life**.

*very good
**though I'm not really sure about it, looking at my tuesdays schedule.

You know you had too much party if...

2006-10-25T00:52:00.000+02:00

(1) You're waiting for the train and suddenly you sing (or maybe only humming) "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me.."
(If you don't know this song, maybe it's time to go out to a party)

That's what happen to my friend.
She's totally into the song right now. Well, THAT, and the song Lady (Hear me Tonight) from Modjo. And it's contagious!

(2) You meet somebody in the hall, and you think you know him from somewhere. Then you said "Oh, you're that guy I saw in FH party!" the he went "Yes. But I am also your classmate in Macroeconomics"

Darn!
Okay, after party, macro is just another class I'd sleep in. So no wonder I didn't recognize him before.

Anybody care to add more?

2006-10-16T21:28:00.000+02:00

... Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same.For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on...

What the §&%?=/("%&!

2006-10-10T15:50:00.000+02:00

Professor (P) : So, now we will discuss the topics. We will see over, the theory of economic growth.

Me (M) : *taking notes*

P : Then there will be business cycle theory

M : *still, taking notes*

P : But as you can see later, there is a relation between these two topics.

There will also be topics on money and inflation.

M : *more notes*

P : BUT, this is also won't be discussed. Because we won't talk about money in this class.

M : (thinking) ????

P : And also, the topic that we won't discuss, is unemployment.

M : "§$%&//()&amp;§/&$%/!

P : So, what do we discuss here, in Macroeconomics? (while erasing 3 out of 4 topics he'd written)

M : (unfortunately, only thinking) EXACTLY MY QUESTION THERE, SIR!

mood : .confused.

book!

2006-10-08T00:05:00.000+02:00

Today I went out to zentrum and went to no other place, but bookstores. I had a stack of books in my room, to read. But you could not exactly enjoy reading Mas Collel, Foellmer, or all of that probability stuffs (though I prefer them to algebra). So yes, I'm looking for a book to read between my already scarce spare time.

I found this book from Coelho.

Weird. I have never heard of it, I have never read it.
I said it's weird because I read most of his books and at least know the books I've not read. But nothing about this book.

So I looked up inside, and found out that it's a new book!!!
It's first published in Germany on Sept 2006! (but it was on Jan in Rusia)

Though this is not the book that I was looking for (anybody had read the book 'Princess' by Jean Sasson?), I am so thrilled now. Can't wait to read it all up.

It's a compilation of his short writings. So far (I've only read 7 out of what looks like 40 writings) I really love the stories. The only question is, if I didn't finish the book before the weekend ends, when will I be able to read it? And if I read the book through the weekend, how about the things I should get done before next week then?

mood : .thrilled.

Random Walk.

2006-10-06T12:49:00.000+02:00

...I wish to be a lifetime learner.I want to know everything there is to know in this world, in this lifetime.
Let the sky be my limit...

A lot of things happened this week.

Since I got back from my trip to Amsterdam with some of my friends, a lot of questions come running through my head. A lot of thoughts and ideas. And surprisingly, something that had not happen too often recently, a sufficient amount of time to think about it too.

I reflected on my last 26 years of life.
What do I want out of my life?
Haven't I seen enough, hear enough, feel enough, and should know enough, so that I could evaluate now, what kind of life I had lead, and think about what kind of life I want to lead?

And though I really tried so hard to think of what answer would satisfy me, I couldn't come up with any. I could not choose to be ONE of the thousand known nouns, or feel ONE out of those adjectives known by mankind.

26 years are enough, they said.
To be able to set up a goal. I should be on my way on achieving that goal right now, they said. They told me that I'm doing it the wrong way. That I took the long-winding-road, choosing the slower means to get to where ever it is I could, instead going through the free-way that could get me there faster, and without much difficulties.

But to me, I'm doing just fine.
I'm living my life with my own pace. Maybe not yours, or theirs, but mine. Fast enough to get to where ever it is in time, slow enough for me to enjoy the process of going there. Yes, I might seem to take a random walk in leading my life. But there are more than just getting to where ever it is you're trying to get to. Random walk might not be a very fast way to get anywhere, but if you go through the process, nothing is wasted.

I wish to be a lifetime learner, as one of my friend said. I want to know everything there is to know in this world. In this lifetime. I don't want to be constrained to some number of years, or some position at the end. Let the sky to be my limit.

I've lived 26 years old of my given time, and don't know how much more I still have.
I took a left turn, then right, right again, left, right again, left, left, left, ...
There were many intersections I have had in life, and I know, there will be more to come.

I've laughed, cried, sad, happy, excited, frustated, depressed, cheered, blessed, disappointed, ...
I've gone through a lot of emotional experiences but I know that was not my lowest nor highest emotional experience yet.

I've crawled, walked, ran, jumped, skipped, ...
But still, there are just much more things to do.

Call me greedy, but I want to experience it all.

Random or not, I just want to lead my life so that there will be no regret when I'm looking back at it later. I wanted to feel blessed, when I look back at the times I cried, later. I want to feel content, knowing that I've done all that I could, and learn as much as it is possible out of all of my experience.

That's all.

And if I could be anything, be anywhere. I think that is not too much to hope for.

ingenious or brain washed?

2006-10-06T01:23:00.000+02:00

On a bus ride home, on one rainy afternoon.

Varsha : "Patrick, I like your hair cut."
Bandhu : "Patrick, she said she like you."
Patrick : "Converse holds true."

hate.

2006-10-01T23:42:00.000+02:00

Because the worse thing than being indecisive is.....
forcing people to make the decision and just follow that.

I mean,
what's so difficult in making decision anyway?
In your age, couldn't you even do that kind of simple thing?

"Nod. Don't shake!"

2006-09-27T20:32:00.000+02:00

That's the common phrase we would tell to this one friend of mine. This friend of mine has one funny habbit. He shakes his head when he understand or agree to something (he's not the only one, but probably his is the acute one). Which is just. ODD. Because people nod when they agree, and shaking head usually mean they disagree to something.

Like once, when we were having a tutorial. The assistant will keep on looking my way and ask if I understand or not. It's just a basic algebra. So I nod.
But I wonder why she kept on asking to my direction.

Until one time she stop and ask "Yes?" and nod her head, "No?" and shake her head.

Then I realized, she wasn't looking at me.
She was looking at my friend (who was sitting behind me that moment) all this time. And she was confused because that friend of mine keeps on shaking his head but seems to understand anyway.

It was a good laugh between algebras.

But then, since we spend so much time together, nobody seems to notice anymore.
Although they say old habbit die hard, his seems to die away just like that.

Until this afternoon this funny professor explain something about financial economics, and stop in the middle of his words to say...

"Anyhow, that's the funny thing about you. Trockel told me, you always say NO when you mean YES"

Woher kommst du?

2006-09-14T12:27:00.000+02:00

I don't often take language courses, so I don't know how it's supposed to be. But when I took my one and only language course up until yesterday, French, I learnt the alphabet and number first.

Yesterday I had my first German language course. And the first thing the tutor said when she entered the classroom was "Mein name ist Ilona" and wrote it in the blackboard. Not much of a hallo, or even how do you do, in a class with such a wide variety.

Then she explained (in German), that during the class we should only speak German and no English what so ever. And how did we understand what she was saying? body language. Because I swear, I did not understand a single word she said.

Okay, I am not going to complain about how the class should be going, only want to add a comment. Don't you have to know the ability of the class first then set up a standard and rules?? And my class was not only beginner, we are absolute beginners in German. Like...we have never heard so many people speaking in German until, say, the last 5 days???

So here is the funny thing.

The moment she started class and write "Mein name ist Ilona" on the blackboard, all of the students in my class -being these dilligent students as we are- pick up our pens and started to write in ourr notebook. What did we write??

MEIN NAME IST ILONA.

Yes. In our OWN notebook.
Like....suddenly everybody's name is Ilona now.

And then she asked (and write in a big font in the blackboard) "Woher kommst du?" (after consulting to friends and dictionary everybody understand she was asking where we came from) then people started to make mumbling noises to figure out what's France is in German, and I turn to my dictionary where would it make me came from in German.

Okay, Ich komme aus Indonesien.

Then Ilona asked this French friend of mine. He didn't seem to have a dictionary around, but he knows some German. Just not the name of his country. So he said "Ich bin Franzoesisch. Ich komme aus....France??"

Great. We don't even know where we came from.

I thought that I'm strong....I'm wrong.

2006-08-24T02:36:00.000+02:00

I've been living with pressures. That's right.
So I thought that I could live under pressures.

Not until these few days I realize how wrong I was.

It's one thing to have pressures along the way, and it's other thing to actually be under one.
Although I could sense the pressures in me all this time, I have never lived under one (for a significant period of time so that I started to get on my nerves).

Knowing there are pressures around me had made me to anticipate it in every step I took. I try to do things so that it would not give me extra pressures.

But what about things that I could not handle?
Like deciding when to give out my visa.

What could I do about that?

Just sit and wait. Nothing more.

Even when it means that there will be some delay in other things (like opening a bank account probably??? Or having my fiscal documents done??).
Why would anyone care if I'm on my wit's end here??

I hate not to have control over my own life.

I admire those who have big family and still got to keep their sanity.

2006-08-08T04:58:00.000+02:00

It's not that I don't like having a BIG family like I do right now, but it surely is hard for me to stay sane. What with everybody think they have the right to say what I should do in life. MY life.

Why are they keep telling me what's best to do anyway? "We did it because we love you," they said. Yeah right. In the name of love. I must’ve heard that line million times now.

If it was really because of love, for my best, why couldn't they just let me decide? After all, who should know me better than myself?

I only wish that I could decide things for myself. Do what I like to do the most. Even if I stumble along the road someday, why couldn’t they just lend me a hand to stand again instead of saying "I’ve told you so…"? All I want is live MY life, as me. Not THEIR life, as they want me to be.

After all this time, why couldn't they believe that even if I stumble, I will be able to stand up again and learn from my fall?

enfonce

2006-07-12T19:46:00.000+02:00

Zizou s'explique en exclusivite a 19H40 sur Canal+ (Mercredi 12/07/2006).

Et je ne pourrais pas le voir !!!

celebrate the day!

2006-07-10T16:14:00.000+02:00

There is nothing to celebrate, actually, since I am not a supporter of the squadra azzurra. I don't really have a favorite team in this world cup. At first it was just a good distraction for me, since I don't have anything else to do at nite due to my insomnia. But then it grew on me. I enjoy watching the game. The crowds, the competitions, and the skills the showed, I could feel the adrenaline in me when I watch the game.

So it's been my regular activities this past month, watching every game. Then I would browse through the net for info on the teams, players, coaches, referees. I had also tried to download some world cup preliminaries, which with Indonesian connection took forever.

Anyway, it's all over now.
Funny, how I had forgotten how life was before the world cup. Like tonight, I am browsing randomly and have no idea on what to do after this. This insomniac started to kill me again.

in the middle of no where

2006-06-17T04:40:00.000+02:00

Last month, this is the thing that worried me most. Being in the middle of no where, without sufficient contact to the rest of the world. Tho' I know that's not all, I don't have the mood to write either.

I decided to be on silent mode (as Yaya said) for a while.

Home is where the heart is

2006-05-17T20:29:00.000+02:00

I should have known better.

But like any other people in my age, in my position, I could not help but look for that comfort zone in the wrong place. There were moments where I thought I might be wrong all this time. That I should have not keep my prejudice on people. Then maybe, just maybe, I'd realize that I actually could get along with them. After all, I have a lot more in common with them than with anybody else in this part of the world.

But I guess you could not rationalize your heart.
It's either there, or not.

Yes, I found it surprising, to realize that my heart feels more at home among people that I hardly know a year ago. And I am even more struck when I realize, that the home that my heart feels exceed all the differences. Language, nationality, beliefs.

So it's not just my prejudice.

I've tried it once before. And I've tried it again today. It's just not working.
Because home is more than speaking the same language, having the same beliefs, and coming from the same nationality. It just doesn't work that way. And it's nobody's fault.

You just could not rationalize your heart.

I am sad, knowing that I could never understand what they're saying even when they're speaking my language. But I am glad to know that. Then I know that I didn't make the wrong decision 9 months ago.

"There are many things that I would like to say to you,
but don't know how..."

"...I don't believe that any body feels the way I do about you now."

waiting.

2006-05-15T17:38:00.000+02:00

Got this off a friend's comment box

"One of the keys to life: the fast forward. Every movie has its lousy parts. The trick is to fast forward through them. As time passes, you look back and say oh, that little thing, oh that. You fast forward to then right now, and you're over it." [Ally McBeal]

I wish I could fast forward this episode of my life right now.
Almost 2 weeks since I'm officially graduate. I really want to go home, since I'm doing nothing in here anyway. But I'm still stuck in here.
Got this -supposedly- big interview coming, and I don't know what should I do.
Should I prepare something? What thing?
I really want to get this over with, and then go home (and then -hopefully I got in- go again). It's not that I miss home so much (well, maybe I miss it, but not MUCH), it's just that I HATE having nothing to do day to day.

Any suggestion on what should I do to kill time while waiting?

2006-05-04T20:44:00.000+02:00

I could NOT believe it!

There's no way in the world I deserve a 55 in the final. This is the second time that ba****d fuc**d me up. And I could not believe that there's nothing I could do about it. That is not education you're doing there, it's just money collector program!
What's so great about messing one's life anyway???

though you might not see it...

2006-04-29T23:01:00.000+02:00

I've tried.

But my mind keep on making a lot of noise since that time.
I slept extra-ordinarily long hours last night, but still woke up to find myself feeling as awful as before. Eventhough I'm in the middle of nowhere now, where I planned to finalized my project, I could not push myself to focus and write a single word on the project.
My mind is just making too much noise over and over again.

"Smile, and the world will smile with you"

Guess what? they're NOT!
They're just smiling at you. Looking at you as if you're a fool who will always smile.
The world won't be a better place just because you smile. Believe me, I learned that through the hard way. You might think that you help people by doing that, well you're not! And you surely not helping yourself either. At times you're sad, you're mask had been to heavy to lift up. And you end up smiling anyway. Does that make you feel good? No. Because the hurts are still there. And by smiling, you're letting people to step on that freshly wound of yours.

How does it feel to be a fool?

In the end, I blame no one but myself.
After all, it is my fault that I've been trying to keep on smiling all this time, rite? Not that anyone ever asked me to smile. Not that my smile has ever done anyone any good anyway.
After all, it was me who get to sensitive, rite? Like they say, people say things they didn't mean and so I should just ignore it (so tell me, what's the purpose of even saying the things you said? just having too much free time?).

"I wanted to collect the memories made today.
Because by tomorrow we all have to move on and live different path of lives. It's good that we met and share the memories. Whether we will meet again is not important, because at least we did. Once."

That is how I see today, everyday in my life.
If you rather to see it in different way, I have no objection. And the last thing I would do is to change your thoughts.

But don't you think it's weird?
You said that you don't need it. You act as if you don't care.
But in the end, you come to look for it.
And still, you said you're annoyed?
Well guess what, nobody's pushing you to do it. You could as well stay in your seat and smile (no, you could even laugh) at me. Think that I'm a fool.
But don't even think to come to me and look for it later.
You keep your memories your way, and I'll keep mine.

I'll be a fool.

If this is how you define a fool.

blame it on the song.

2006-04-26T01:03:00.000+02:00

Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?

Another year in my life is coming to an end, though it hasn't been five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. When I think about this year, it feels so short, just a blink of an eye. But yet so long in the same time, as if I've spent a lifetime (surely not).

01H19.
Just me and that song playin' on my player.
Suddenly I wonder, how should I measure this part of the year in my life?
There're just too many emotions to be buckled up into one word. Too much for one year.
Suddenly I feel so mellow.
Hate it. I hate this part of mellow-me.

the song.

2006-04-18T00:47:00.000+02:00

Feel like writing, but really don't have anything much to write. I'm on that stage of life where you don't know where to go. To go on ahead is so unbearable, while going back is not an option. I guess I've been going around in circle these past few weeks. Not really having anything to pursue.

So I come up with this thing my dearest cousin did a couple of months before. I'm posting best-cuts from 20 most played songs in my player. Let's see how many could you guess which song it was.

caution : most of the songs are from my old collection, so I wouldn't be surprise if anyone younger than me are having difficulties in guessing the songs.

1. There's always something more you wish he'd say
2. Every whisper of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions
3. Cause ain't nowhere in the globe I'd rather be, ain't no one in the globe I'd rather see
4. I've been wonderin who will be there to take my place
5. Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
6. There are places I'll remember all my life, though some have changed
7. Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard
8. Even though we used to argue its alright
9. I was dreaming but I should have been with you instead
10. Those were the days my friend, we thought they'd never end
11. And I'd go a million times around the world just to say (s)he had been mine for a day
12. You could've been anyone at all
13. How can you see into my eyes
14. And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
15. Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
16. And your eyes search the room, and one friendly face is all you need to see
17. How could I be so immature ? to think he could replace, the missing elements in me.
18. Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
19. Even when I'm at my worst, I'm best with you
20. Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart

How many could you guess??

speaking about inconsistency

2006-04-05T13:21:00.000+02:00

My last post said something about me being on hiatus. And as always, once you said the H word, you just have stronger urge to make a post.

I GOTS to post this up!
Just to show you all how creative people under exams pressures would be. Click on the picture to have more.

HIATUS.

2006-04-05T08:41:00.000+02:00

Yay. I finally post a hiatus sign in my blog.

Exam week is here.
The difference with all the previous exam is, this is THE FINAL. I wouldn't say the FINAL, FINAL tho'. I know I would still want to study again some time in the future. Some where. But at least for this level, it's FINAL.

After exam I would have a long break (2 weeks is long enough when you usually spend everyday in the bunker), and do presentation on my final project. And that's it.

So. See you when I see you!

waiting.

2006-03-28T23:33:00.000+02:00

Last few weeks, I've spent my time waiting.
Waiting for a confirmation e-mail, whether I would have class. Or not. And the most important thing is, where? and when?

Today, class was canceled 30 mins before the scheduled time.
And tonight, 23H47 my computer' time, I'm still wondering whether there will be class tomorrow (scheduled at 08H30). Or not.

And while waiting, I remember myself doing this kind of waiting every year. In the beginning of Ramadhan.

In Indonesia, since I don't know in other country, each time Ramadhan is coming, people would be more attentive to the news. Because the start of Ramadhan is depend on the appearance of a new moon, thus we would wait for someone to announce whether or not they have seen a new moon. Usually, the ministry would make an announcement the night before Ramadhan start. And Ramadhan, for Moslems, is a holy month.

I feel exactly like in those moments now. Except that the ministry usually already make an announcement around 21H00 WIB (West Indonesian Time). And this course is NOT even half as important as first day of Ramadhan.

*counting the days to the end of the semester*

notes: chantilly report will have to wait until I found the mood to write it ;)

BLAST from the past

2006-03-27T12:21:00.000+02:00

The faces I never thought I would miss so much*. Childhood memories. Friends. Sisters.

*Still missing some pictures.
If your face is not up there, please send me your current picture ;)

week end's finally here.

2006-03-22T22:32:00.000+01:00

Another week had passed.

Yay! It's finally week-end for me. And a very long one (from tomorrow, Thursday, to next Monday) \(^o^)/

I was thinking to go somewhere for this week-end, but it turns out that we will have a trip to chateau de chantilly this coming Saturday. Great!!! I think the last time I actually enjoy the trip was the one to Versailles. And that was MONTHS ago! I just hope the wheather's gonna be good though. It's been cold and raining again since Monday, doesn't seem like spring at all (and it is officially spring on March 21 here in Paris). Since I don't have much to do from tomorrow onwards, I'm planning on making teru teru bozu, so that it won't be raining on Saturday!

Udah pada denger dong ya ttg demo di Prancis (bukan cuma Paris) akhir2 ini?
Waktu di Pantheon, Angie sempet pengen moto demo-nya mahasiswa di Sorbonne dan barikade polisi di sepanjang St. Michel. Tapi dengan alasan keselamatan diri sendiri, ga berani juga euy, ga jadi deh. Nah, Selasa kemaren, barisan mahasiswa demonstran defille melewati Boulevard Arago. Yap, Boulevard Arago di mana berdiri MRI tempat Angie ada kuliah hari Selasai sore. Boulevard Arago yang biasanya aja adem ayem, suddenly jadi kaya jalanan di kota mati. Toko2 tutup. Orang2 juga ga pada keluar rumah (later, setelah diperhatiin, masing2 ngintip dari jendela rumahnya ke jalanan waktu defille mahasiswa itu lewat).

Untung dosennya berbaik hati untuk memberhentikan sementara kuliah sementara barisan demonstran itu lewat. Jadi deh kita pada ngintip lewat jendela lantai 2. Sebenernya Angie bikin movie clip sih pake kamera, tapi berhubung suaranya gede banget (blom lagi campur2 sama suara temen2 angie yang komentar), jadi yang di up-load di sini fotostrip aja ya???

* Perhatiin ga di foto2 terakhir?
Setelah barisan mahasiswa yang berdemo, ada barisan polisi (dan mobil2nya) 'mengamankan' barisan demonstran itu. Setelah itu, ada barisan petugas pembersih kota.
Jaman di himpunan dulu, kalo ada defille ato long march, bakal ada yang namanya sweeper. Orang2 di paling belakang grup. Tugasnya sweeper itu memastikan ga ada yang ketinggalan dari barisan, jadi kaya penutup barisan gitu. Ternyata, di Prancis, ada juga yang namanya sweeper. Tapi tugasnya sesuai namanya...membersihkan jalan setelah dilewati para demonstran! :D

Oh iya, satu hal yang lucu, jadi Angie dan temen2 kan pada ngintip dari lantai 2. Nah, ternyata demonstran itu ngeliat kita. Trus mungkin mereka ngeliat kalo kita ada di gedung MRI-nya Universite Paris I (atau mereka ngeliat tampang kita yang masih mahasiswa), jadi mereka bukannya teriak2 buat gagalkan CPE, malah teriak2 supaya kita pada ikutan turun ke jalan!
Huehehehehehe, lucu juga. Serem juga. Karena mereka berhenti di depan gedung selama 10 menitan gitu. Sampe akhirnya dosennya nyuruh tutup jendela dan lanjutin kuliah, beberapa menit kemudian baru kedengeran barisannya mulai jalan (karna suaranya menjauh), trus lanjutin ngintip lagi deh. Dosennya berbaik hati ngasih tunjuk struktur dasar barisan demonstran. Pembuka (biasanya bawa banner2, pakaiannya aneh2), mobil dengan sound system, mahasiswa, anak2 baru lulus SMA yang biasanya dari banlieue (katanya) yang ngambil kesempatan kalo ada 'penjarahan', polisi, dan barisan pembersih.

Setelah ngeliat jalan bersih, lanjut lagi deh....generalized least squares!

On a day like today

2006-03-18T19:45:00.000+01:00

When everything seems wrong.
When I tried my best to keep things in place, but they're just keep falling apart.
When I'm stucked in front of an invisible wall. Unable to break through, nor jump ahead.
At times when I feel so small. So lonely.

Most people would come and try to comfort me.
But those nice and comforting words are making it harder. Making me even more depressed. Knowing no matter how hard I try, there's just things that's off-limit for me.

On a day like today, I realized how good it is to have someone like you* around.
To have people that could care less about how depressed I am. And carry on living as if nothing happened. It might sounds awful, when you're in your lowest point of life and people are making fun of you.

But I am really grateful. For during that few minutes, I could smile.
Even on a day like today.

*you know who you are. thank you.

Exams-are-coming Symptoms

2006-03-12T20:20:00.000+01:00

1. I kept people off my room.
It's just too embarassing, knowing what kind of shipwreck my room is in these-exams-are-coming days.

2. My life is only evolving around bed and desk.
I study in my bed. So in times of exam days, you could find a stack of papers, books, cellphones, phone, snacks, bottles of water around my bed. As for the desk, it's where I put my notebook, providing what so called entertainment while I'm cramming.

3. I eat McDo two times a day (and that's because I seldom eat breakfast)
My excuse was that I don't want to waste my time to think on what to cook, what to eat, and do the shopping. But I know, it's just an excuse on being lazy.

4. No more "how are you"s
I just realized, when exams are coming, whenever I had a chat with my friends (be it on msn or on the phone) the first greeting would be "are you studying?"
Is it normal? to greet people that way?

5. You hear music even from the elevator.
My brain is not functioning without music, so I always turn on the music. When exams are coming, the volume somehow got louder by itself. And if sometimes you could hear an out of tune shriek, don't worry, it's just me. Stressed out after trying to study and learn nothing, I sometimes thought I should be a pop singer instead.

6. My computer is up 24 hours (thus you would see me online 24 hours). And I really mean 24 hours, considering I hardly ever sleep. My player plays the same song more than five times a day. Pease note that I got two hundred something songs in my playlist.

7. I have this strong urge to post something on my blog.
Even if it's just a crap like this. It's much more interesting than trying to determine which incentive compatibility constraints and participation constraints will be binding (and which won't be).

Education's supposed to make you smart,
not braindead.

I'm Unique

2006-03-03T20:40:00.000+01:00

I got a baton that I have to pass along from Teh Intan.
I never thought to find something unique from myself, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to try.

1. I never had any contact with any kind of make up.
The closest thing to make up that ever touch my face is the lotion I put on everyday ever since I got here (because the weather here makes my skin dry) and the lip balm that I often forget to put on. I want everything to be simple, including the way I dress. I have friends that would complain, saying that I could actually try to dress up a bit and look much better, but for me it's too much to do. As long as I what I'm wearing is clean, everything should be just fine for me.

2. The thing I LOVE most is books.
I love to read. And to write. So my most precious things since I know how to read (and write) are books and pens. I read any genre of book. I'd rather spend my money on books than dresses. Even so, my books-to-read-list never seem to be empty. As for my writing, it is often for personal use only. Though my friends could always find my random scribbling all over my notes, I tend to write on whatever surface I could find.

-edit-
The write-on-whatever-surface-thing had just shot back at me.
A friend of mine notice a random scribbles on my notes. Unfortunately, the scribbles is not as random as I want it to be :P

3. I LOVE the smell of gasoline.
How could I describe it? I just love the smell. Period. Back in Indonesia I would love to queue in the gas station, just to smell it a bit longer.

4. I can not survive without spicy food.
I guess I'm just being a true Indonesian. Even here in my room now, I stack up some chilli sauce (sambel ABC. hehehehehe). And I'm more afraid of not having enough chilli sauce then not having enough money for the month.

5. I hate to sweat.
I used to do all kind of sports in my childhood (just because my parents want me to do all of that), but honestly, I hate to sweat. That's why I am glad when I came to the age where I could decide what to do and what's not. Right now, my only sport is swimming.
I choose cold over hot too. I could tolerate -10 degrees (the lowest temperature I had yet to experience until now) better than 32 degrees (in Medan, it is often more than that).

I don't know if it's unique or not. But it's me.
Now, I would like Yaya, Badrul, NikNik, Wira, dan Karin.

The beginning is the end; the end is the beginning.

2006-03-02T19:11:00.000+01:00

Now -I think- I know why it is so hard to start something new.
Because starting something, means you have to give up on other thing.
Get out of the comfort zone. Even if there's a much more comforting place out there.
If only you look for it.

It's always hard,
knowing that what has been lost might be for the best.
But it's so much harder to believe
that the best might not follow your heart.

The things I'll never say.

2006-02-25T00:17:00.000+01:00

This isn't about saying the right things at the right times. It's about not saying the wrong things at the most tempting moments. Though I can't see what's wrong, you're obviously annoyed.

I wonder if sorry would ever be enough to make it up?

I guess some things are indeed better left unsaid.

Because life is NOT like a smooth function*

2006-02-21T21:42:00.000+01:00

There are times when we could not do anything to change things in life. So expect diappointments, but don't be down because of them. There will always ways for things to be better.

We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr

------------------------------------------------------------------

* A function that is infinitely differentiable**
** dif·fer·en·tia·ble P Pronunciation Key (df-rnsh-bl, -sh--)
adj. That can be differentiated***
***dif·fer·en·ti·ate P Pronunciation Key (df-rnsh-t)
v. dif·fer·en·ti·at·ed, dif·fer·en·ti·at·ing, dif·fer·en·ti·ates
v. tr.

To constitute the distinction between: subspecies that are differentiated by the markings on their wings.
To perceive or show the difference in or between; discriminate.
To make different by alteration or modification.

secret #99

2006-02-17T19:43:00.000+01:00

Everybody in the world, except you, knows;
that shows how ignorant you are.

h0mesIck

2006-02-16T20:43:00.000+01:00

Bapak sudah di Bandung. Angie apa kabar? Kenapa tidak tulis e-mail?
sender:
bapak
+628112*****

Bukannya Angie ga mau tulis e-mail Pak, tapi apa yang mesti Angie tulis?
Angie-kan telpon setiap akhir minggu dan cerita2. Bapak sih, pake ke Medan segala, jadinya kan gak bisa ngobrol.

Anyway, minggu ini Angie sempetin nulis e-mail. Walaupun Angie tau dalam 24 jam juga Angie bakal nelpon ke rumah buat ngobrol sama semua penghuni rumah. mengup-date berapa berat badan terakhir, gosip apa yang lagi heboh di indo, gmana persiapan sidang adekku, bla...bla...blaaa.

Dan begini deh.
HOMESICK!
Padahal Angie cuma nulis e-mail. Ga tau kenapa selagi nulis e-mail Angie jadi kebayang rumah di Bandung. Adek2ku. Bapak dan Mama. kangen juga nganterin chicha terapi, padahal dulu kalo udah selasa tuh rasanya maleees banget. Kangen nganter kak Emi ke pasar. Nganter Leila bimbingan (hmmm..kalo dipikir2 kok kerjaan Angie di Bandung nganter2 mulu ya???). Kangen bisa makan tanpa mesti masak dulu. Kangen jajanan di Bandung.
KANGEN!

Aaarrrrrrggghhh.......This is really not a good time to be homesick! :(

hell NO! DON'T go!!

2006-02-16T09:01:00.000+01:00

I considered in making a http://anti-mmef.blogspot.com. Grant gave the idea of what the tagline should be. But I think I should put the idea aside for a while, since I don't even have the consistency to keep up-dating this blog. But the comic above is surely gave out what's been on my mind.

DON'T fall to the trap!

L0L

2006-02-16T08:45:00.000+01:00

I found a nice website on grad school students.

This is one of their comics, showing how a phd student could manage unbelievable sleeping position, reminds me of my own friend.

These are photos of Chris.
He's not even a phd students yet, but it looks like he got the 'gift'. You really should consider having a phd Chris.

I hate it.

2006-02-11T22:23:00.000+01:00

I hate this guilt I feel every time I try to read a book other then my course-support-text-book.

It's week end, the only time I could spare to read "Guns, Germs, and Steel" which I have not finish reading although it's been one month since I first started, but yet after every paragraph I keep on thinking "Should I revised micro instead?" or "Maybe I'd better start to read econometrics".

I miss life.

YOU make me LAUGH!

2006-02-09T00:04:00.000+01:00

There's a written rule in the course, that the exam dates are FIXED. Un-negotiable. *well, at least the last time I check, because they kinda change the rule every once in a while according to their needs* But as it happened last semester, it happen again this semester. The professor could not make it on the pre-determined exam date and decided to change the date. So off course, we fight to find the best day to have the exam. The exam dates were fixed nicely this semester that we didn't have to have exams every day in a week, in a row, like last semester. Finding the best date to move the exam is much harder, since we will have exams in two weeks. The most convenient day is off course after two weeks. Instead of the first exam as scheduled, this exam would be our last. But the professor could not agree to that because it's mid-term, it should be in the middle of the course (as if it's our fault for not having the mid-term at the pre-determined date anyway!).

So, Instead of Monday, 13th February, the professor proposed to have the exam at Thursday, 16th February, morning. On wednesday , 15th February, all 16 of us will have micro2 exam. And on Friday, 17th February, half of the class will have macro exam (not me tho'. Thank God for that.) and as you suspect, we ALL against the idea. But finding exam schedule that would be the most convenient for most of us will be impossible. This semester we all have different composition of courses to take, so one's exam might not be the other's.

What else could we do but gave up on democracy? The argument won't stop, let's just leave it to the professor to fix the most convenient day (it won't be convenient to all anyway). Yet there's(re) this(ese) girl(s) who would keep on arguing, trying to fix the exam on their desirable date. Any day except 16th February.

Them (T) : "Let's have it on Monday, 20th February"
People in the class (P) : "No. There will be finance2 exam on the 21th"
*both of them don't take finance2*

T : "Okay, let's just have it on Thursday, 23rd February"
P : "No. There will be optimisation exam that day"
*and yes, the both don't take this course too*
T : "In the morning?"
to myself: !@#^&*$@#$%* you heartless.
*please note, that I don't even take optimisation*

T : "But it have to be moved. We couldn't take 3 exams in a row. Micro is already hard as it is, and Macro. The best day is really Monday, 20th February."
P : "But the rest of us will have finance2 exam the next day"
T : "Well, if you are ready to take the exam on Thursday, 16th February (her assumption, probably because she sees nobody's fighting against the date anymore), you should be ready to take it on the next Monday."
P : "..." silence.
Everybody else had just been too fed up with this never-ending-unless -they-got-what-they-want discussion.

to myself: !@#^&*$@#$%* I don't really care if your GPA is over 3 last semester, but to me, you're brainless.

Girl, YOU made me LAUGH! The scheduled exam was suppose to be on Monday, 13th February. So you're suppose to be ready to have the exam by that day. And now the professor want to move it to Thursday, 16th February. Why couldn't you be ready for that? Using your own argument, IF YOU'RE (suppose to be) READY TO TAKE THE EXAM ON MONDAY, 13TH FEBRUARY, WHY COULDN'T YOU BE READY FOR THURSDAY, 16th FEBRUARY??

Simple. Because you're not ready.
Whether it is for the econometrics on Thursday, 15th February or for Macro the following day. I know the feeling, because that is exactly how I feel if the exam's being moved to Monday, 20th february. No matter how hard I've studied for both subject before, it is always desirable not to have exams two days in a row. But at least I'm not trying to make someone else's position worse. I am not going to step on my own friends to be able to be better. You might said I'm stupid, but at least I'm not as brainless as for giving such non-sense argument. Nor heartless, for not thinking about the rest of the class you've been struggling with the last few months.

I've been holding these thoughts to myself a few days now. I don't wanna write something in anger. And I think I am emotionally balance now. I could talk without looking down on you each time I remember those argument you make. But I still couldn't help myself from writing this. This must be the most emotional post I've ever made, yet I can assure you that I'm not writing this out of only anger. I just want to share my experience, my thoughts, as I've always been in this blog. Because it's such an exciting experience.

YOU make me LAUGH!

Masih iseng

2006-02-07T21:40:00.000+01:00

Lagi nyari inspirasi syntax-nya stata, daripada bengong...maen beginian deh!

You Are 16 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

WWEEEKKKSSS....
I act half my age!!!
Entah itu bagus apa nggak.
Which reminds me, salah satu temen Angie di sini (dan dia lebih muda dari Angie) bengong waktu tau kalo Angie lebih tua dari dia. "You're like 19!" begitu katanya. Hueeee.....masih gak tau, itu pujian atau bukan ;)

Ga aDa keRjaan

2006-02-03T21:54:00.000+01:00

Gini niyyy...kalo week-end ga ada kerjaan.
Dari tadi malah ngulik stata, ngerjain tugas program buat MINGGU DEPAN. Minggu depan gitu lho...biasanya juga Angie kerjain rabu ato kamisnya.
Bosen ngulik program, malah belajar finance!
Oh my God, I couldn't believe it myself.
Pasang mp3 supaya ga sepi2 amat di kamar, trus denger lagi tak bisakah-nya Peter Pan (thanks to bapak ini yang udah menambah khazanah lagu Indonesia saya di sini). Angie blom nonton film-nya sih, tapi udah baca bukunya. Gak se'dalem' harapan Angie, tapi lumayanlah. Dan menurut Angie lagu ini pas banget buat si Bagas-nya.
Iseng, searching di google. Dapet klip ini deh!

Ehhhmmm...kenapa ya, malah bersyukur gak nonton film-nya??

Jenuh.

2006-01-25T22:55:00.000+01:00

Lagi pengen sesuatu yang baru.

Bosen baca mikro lagi, ekonometrik lagi. Pengen cepet2 ngerjain project (tapi males baca paper-nya euy, tampak mustahil banget ga seh?).

Pengen cepet2 besok. Trip ke Palais Brogniart, home of the French stock-market. Walaupun curiganya trip kali ini bakal garing (dibandingin sama Versailles???), paling ngga escape dari rutinitas.

At least besok pagi, Angie ga perlu naek di gerbong paling depan dari Corentin, karena Angie ga bakal turun di pasteur :P

Habbits

2006-01-25T22:20:00.000+01:00

Ada beberapa hal yang kadang kita lakukan tanpa disadari. Dan Angie baru nyadar, kalo Angie juga meng-adapt kebiasaan baru setelah beberapa lama di sini. Nginget di mana pintu keluar paling strategis dari metro.

Misalnya kalo Angie pergi kuliah, dari Corentin -stasiun deket rumah- mesti ganti dulu di Pasteur baru naek line 6 turun di Glaciere. Nah, kalo pergi tuh otomatis sambil nungguin metronya dateng Angie jalan terus sampe rada depan. Karena Angie mau naek gerbong paling depan (pintu kedua tepatnya), yang di stasiun pasteur berenti tepat di depan gang menuju line tujuan Angie. Nah dari pasteur naek line 6 Angie nunggunya di belakang deh. Soal-nya sortie di glaciere adanya di belakang.

Pulangnya? Dari glaciere naek di gerbong depan (pintu nomer 3 gerbong pertama) dan setelah pindah line di Pasteur, naek di gerbong kedua (pintu pertama).

Kalo Angie mah atas dasar efisiensi waktu aja. Daripada bengong doang nunggu metro, mending juga jalan menuju gerbong strategis biar nanti pas keluar langsung keluar tho??? Tapi usut punya usut, ternyata temen2 Angie malah kadang hobby buat ngapalin tempat2 strategis itu lho. Jadi kalo misalnya ada yang nanya ke temenku itu, ke gare du nord naek line brapa sih? Instead of bilang dari Corentin naek line 12 sampe montparnasse trus ganti line 4 sampe gare du nord, dia bakal bilang "Dari Corentin naek 12 di gerbong paling depan ganti di montparnasse (keluar metro dari pintu pertama karna pintu ganti line-nya di depan metro) trus naek line 4 (gerbong ketiga) turun di gare du nord (pintu kedua)" huehehehehe, lengkap ya???

Yah, walaupun rumusan2 itu gak selalu kepake juga sih. Misalnya kalo lagi jam pergi/pulang kerja, beberapa gerbong bakal penuh banget (mungkin orang laen juga berpikiran sama) jadi yah mendingan naek di gerbong mana aja daripada mesti nunggu metro berikutnya ga sih???

Satu lagi kebiasaan Angie (baru nyadar barusan). Kadang Angie males banget meng-update link2 ke blog orang2. Jadi kadang2 link-nya udah basi gitu. Untungnya sih blog-nya masih ada dan ada referer ke blog yang baru (jadi ngebuat Angie makin ga punya semangat buat ngup-date deh!). Tapi barusan Angie pengen blogwalking ke blog temen Angie. Angie ga punya link-nya, karena selama ini Angie selalu nyampe ke blog itu dari blog temen Angie yang link-nya udah tercantum di daftar link di sebelah kanan itu. Ternyata blog temen Angie (yang terdaftar di daftar link-ku) baru di update dong, trus dia gak pasang link referer lagi. Jadinya Angie gak bisa jalan2 ke blog temenku yang satu lagi (yang Angie gak pernah pasang link-nya demi kemalasan yang gak ada sebabnya).

Halaaahhh.
Habbits-ku aneh2 dan gak penting banget ya???
Tapi yah, like they say "bad habbits hard to die".

idealism?

2006-01-23T21:25:00.000+01:00

I've always thought that what you like to do doesn't necessarily be the thing you're good at. And if I got to choose between doing something I like to do or doing something I'm good at, I would choose doing something I like.

Because when I do something that I like, I would endure every hardship I have to go through and actually enjoy it as a learning process. I would put 500% efforts on doing things and would consider every step of it as an experience. I might even think I'm actually good at it (while in reality people could achieve what I got by putting 500% efforts with just 79% efforts) . And what ever the result, I would be satisfied, knowing that I've done all my best.

While on doing something I'm good at would just be dull. There's no challenge in it because I know I could do it. And even if there might be something I could learn from it, I might not see it, because it wouldn't be so obvious anymore. It's giving only 79% efforts and having good results.

Maybe it's just me. My idealism.

Because in term of efficiency (and rationality?) wouldn't people tends to try to maximize their utility and minimize the effort they have to give??

And now, I'm faced with a difficult option.

Would I keep my idealism?? Or would I just give in to rationality??

LUPA!

2006-01-14T09:34:00.000+01:00

Sumpah deh, Angie lupa kalo Angie punya BLOG!

Dua minggu awal kuliah, bener2 melelahkan karna Angie mesti ngikut segala jenis kuliah buat nentuin mata kuliah apa yang bakal Angie ambil dan apa yang nggak. Untungnya cuma 3 mata kuliah yang mesti diambil semester ini (21 ects, plus satu praktikum senilai 4 ects DAN master research project senilai 7 ects). Kalo kuliahnya doang sih harusnya jadi lebih santai daripada semester kemaren, tapi karna tambah praktikum dan mrp kayanya sama aja deh bebannya dengan semester kemaren (ok, beda 3 ects deng). Kayanya ga jadi deh niat Angie mo ngambil kuliah lebih (4 mata kuliah instead of 3 yang mandatory).

Masih mesti nentuin topik buat mrp-nya dan disetujui by the end of this month lagi.

Ngurusin nilai yang dikasih dengan semena-mena itu lagi.

Bener2 ngebuat lupa sama hal2 lain deh.

But at least this week-end saya bisa keluar dan ikut keramaian orang di soldes besar2annya Paris. Satu event di mana minggu pun toko2 pada buka. Akhirnya......Angie melewatkan hari minggu TIDAK di rumah ataupun lapangan olah raga :P

up date:
Untuk menghindari kesalah pahaman, mungkin angie mesti kasih note bahwa angie ke lapangan olah raga BUKAN untuk berolah raga. Tapi sekedar jadi cheers buat teman2 se-course angie yang hobby maen bola tiap minggu. Sure, kadang2 angie diajak maen. Tapi setiap kali Angie ikut maen pasti jadi ga serius. Jadi ga ada gunanya tho??? :P

I am just....

2006-01-06T22:48:00.000+01:00

DISAPPOINTED.

I am NOT looking for someone to blame. Nor am I trying to make someone else's position worse.

But I know myself. I know my limitation. And I have NOT, yet, reach that limitation. THAT, I know.

To make it worst, I don't really believe that I could actually change anything. No matter how hard I try, in the end, those people might only think that I'm trying to annoy them more. And I end up in the same place I started anyway.

It doubled my disappointment. Being wronged and having no power to do anything about that. Another one in the mounting stacks of the-not-so-beautiful-reality of Paris (or should I say France?).

On Vacation

2005-12-28T09:55:00.000+01:00

Yes people, I'm on vacation since Dec 17th 2005. It's kinda a late notice since I will already be back in one week, but I was kinda hectic just before I left. So I hope this will do.

So far, it's been a good vacation, away from all of the tasks and tests I've had all packed in the last 4 months.

I met my friends, and new ones.

I met my long-time-no-see brother.

I got lost in the nowhere-land

I met my long-time-no-see-family

And the most important thing is...I'm keeping up with the rest of the world!

Sorry if the pictures makes it harder for you to load this page, every one.
Have a nice time on your last days of holiday people.

You know how idle I am when...

2005-12-14T02:34:00.000+01:00

you visit my blog and found out that I changed my lay out!

And if you're wondering. Aren't I suppose to be in my final exams week now? The answer is YES. I am in the middle of my finals now. Really tired of reading that 16 or so chapters of Probability Essentials for the seventh hundred times (okay, I'm a bit exagerating) this past 3 months, that I consider changing my lay out as recreation.

Fortunately, this lay out is rather easy to deal with. I just put each part one by one and, voila!, new lay out! I usually need to re-touch new lay out several times until I get it working 'the right way'. But for this lay out, I just did it once. I love this lay out!

2005-12-08T01:43:00.000+01:00

It's becoming a habbit.

Up all night without knowing what to do.

It would be good if I could actually read the textbooks I ought to read by the end of this week. But I just couldn't. I've read them so many times that I actually could tell you in which page they give the definition for the Kolmogorov's Strong Law of Large Number (it's page 175 if you want to look up). Or if you want to look up for put-call parity in finance textbook, just dial my 01 number.

I felt like I've had enough. While in fact, I don't think I'm ready for the exam.

It's not the usual anxiety you got before having finals. I AM, NOT ready for the finals.
Reading books are not enough. I think I'm lack of exercises. I don't know what am I suppose to do with a bunch of theorems that I've known by heart by now. Try to give me problems, I have the tools but I'm not sure I know which one is the right one to use. I might only end up trying each one of my tools to solve the problem. I don't have the slightest idea of what is it they call swaps (and then how do you do put and call) and what are they good for in real life. Try to let me 'practice' finance in the so-called-real-world?? I'm totally lost!

Heck. I'm stuck.
I feel like I'm getting no where. Just stuck between theorems and reality.

And this insomnia is making things worse.

my first touch of snow

2005-11-25T18:09:00.000+01:00

MRI (boulevard Arago), 25 Nov 2005, 16H05

I finally felt my first touch of snow.

It was in the middle of my probability tutorial session. Everyone's cheering because it's my first snow. The tutor was actually mad to the class because we're being too loud over a small amount of snow shower.

Okay, it's not really something special for people who live in two seasons countries. But being someone who come from a tropical country. It IS special! More over, it's one of my 'first time things'.

The thing with living in another country is that you could experience many 'first times'. And I've told myself to have as many 'first times' as I could while I'm here.

I'm going crazy

2005-11-17T10:32:00.000+01:00

Buat orang yang rela ngantri dari jam 8 pagi demi mendapatkan tempat yang strategis buat nonton jam 1 siang.

Buat orang yang tega menyuruh sepupunya bolos kuliah dan ngantri dari siang buat ngedapetin Harry Potter (waktu itu buku ke-4 dan untungnya buku ke-5 dan ke-6 langsung masuk ke Indo) di tengah malam yang dingin.

Buat orang yang udah nunggu2 rilis-nya film ini.

This IS the end of the world.

Angie buka site ini (karena konon kabarnya film-nya rilis di UK tanggal 18 November), pengen liat jadwal rilis di Prancis.

I'm doomed.
Gimana mungkin Angie baru nonton Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire tanggal 30 November?? Tanggal segitu sih mungkin bajakannya udah beredar di mana2. Semua orang udah nonton dan udah ngebahas. Udah basi.

Oh man. I think I'm going crazy.

JUN fever

2005-11-05T17:38:00.000+01:00

Lagi 'demam' MatsuJun.
Arashi. Gokusen. Kimi wa petto. And now Hana Yori Dango.
It's just too much..... :P

This is bad. VERY bad.
I really ought to focus for finance on monday, risk and insurance for tuesday and game theory for friday.
Yayyyy.....
Now that I think of it. What have I done over this week-end???

Detik2 terakhir Ramadhan

2005-11-03T03:43:00.000+01:00

17H28. Angie masih di metro, berdesak2an dengan orang2 yang juga mau pulang.

Gak ada adzan. Gak ada tajil macam2. Mungkin juga gak ada yang tau kalo itu waktunya untuk berbuka. Akhir Ramadhan, memasuki Syawal.

Yang ada cuma teman2 yang masih aja ngebahas analysis, dosen probability yang moody, 3 kelas tambahan risk and insurance minggu ini, dan ujian finance yang di depan mata. Ribut, seperti biasa. Dengan bahasa Prancis campur Inggris (kadang2 diselingi Turki, Rusia dan Jerman), ngebuat orang2 lain di metro kadang2 ngeliatin dan ngeluarin 'annoyed-look'. Keberatan atas bahasa yang kami gunakan.

Bunyi alarm dari HP Angie hampir gak kedengeran. Kalah sama bunyi metro dan suara obrolan orang2. Tapi Angie tau, sudah waktunya berbuka. Lupa bawa minum. Angie juga udah gak pernah ngantongin coklat lagi selama bulan Ramadhan.

Tiba2 muncul sebotol air mineral di depan mata.
"It's time for you to break your fast isn't it?"
Heh?? I didn't expect you to know that. Not you, who actually think that people often die of dehydration because of fasting.
Dan entah gimana suddenly semua masalah analysis, kuliah tambahan, dan ujian terlupakan. Topik terhangat adalah menu makan malam. Topik yang biasanya diangkat Niko menjelang stasiun Pasteur (kecuali hari itu, karena dia udah tau mau makan apa malamnya). Dan the next thing I know, udah ada segerombolan orang yang piknik di jalur 12 stasiun Pasteur. Gak peduli walau metro-nya udah datang dan akan segera pergi.

Hari terakhir berbuka. Angie pernah berpikir bahwa Ramadhan kali ini adalah Ramadhan paling hambar yang pernah Angie rasakan. Gak ada bedug adzan, rame2 pergi tarawih, tajil beraneka ragam, buka bareng himpunan, temen2 sma, dan gak ada sinetron2 Ramadhan yang temanya seragam itu (entah harus sedih atau bersyukur). Tapi setelah semuanya berakhir Angie mulai berpikir, mungkin gak seburuk itu juga. Toh angie masih menemukan kurma untuk berbuka. Masih ada adzan dari notebook. Puasa Angie juga alhamdulillah lancar2 aja. Angie tetap bisa menjalankan ibadah di bulan Ramadhan, seperti waktu Angie di bandung (atau Medan), mungkin itu yang paling bermakna di Ramadhan kali ini. Walaupun gak ada tajil beraneka ragam, Angie mesti masak sendiri tiap berbuka dan sahur, gak ada adzan yang mengingatkan waktu2 sholat. Semua itu kerasa gak penting lagi (emang gak penting yak???)

Alhamdulillah.
Angie udah bisa ngejalanin Ramadhan semaksimal mungkin. Despite semua godaan dan hambatan yang ada, I've finally come to this moment.
Alhamdulillah.
Angie finally merasakan Ramadhan di negeri orang. Being alone without no close relative.
Alhamdulillah.
Angie masih punya teman2 yang meski awalnya gak tau apa2 tentang Ramadhan, mau bersusah payah search google. Berusaha untuk memahami Angie. Katanya, kita bisa menilai orang dengan melihat teman2nya. Walaupun teman2 Angie seringnya keliatan berantakan, ngomong blak2an, ribut, dan gak pedulian, Angie gak keberatan kalo dinilai dengan melihat mereka. Don't judge them from their appearance, they are actually nice and considerate.
Alhamdulillah.
Angie -akhirnya- merasakan dan ngerti. Kalo Ramadhan bukan berarti tajil yang beraneka ragam. Ibadah tidak harus karena keberadaan orang2 lain yang juga beribadah. Tidak harus diingatkan dengan adzan. Ramadhan juga tidak identik dengan sinetron2 dimana artis tiba2 berkerudung.
Alhamdulillah.
Angie sampe di saat ini. 04H39. Waktu orang2 di Indonesia sedang berkumpul, mungkin berbaju baru lengkap dengan sepatu dan tas yang matching, makan ketupat, opor, rendang. Angie tanpa baju baru (boro2 lengkap sama sepatu dan tas yang matching), berpikir untuk masak roti jala dan kare ayam tapi malah berhubung cuma untuk dimakan sendiri, sendiri dan ujian di depan mata. Masih bersyukur. Angie bisa sampe di tempat ini, punya teman2 seperti ini, dan punya pengalaman yang berbeda dari 25 Ramadhan yang udah pernah dilewati selama ini.

sekali lagi, Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri
Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Batin
1 Syawal 1426 H

Ganti Lay Out

2005-11-02T04:01:00.000+01:00

Berhubung [lagi2] Angie insomnia a.k.a ga bisa tidur, jadi deh browsing sana-sini. Nemu beberapa skin yang lucu di blogskins. Kepikiran, udah lama juga ya Angie ga ganti lay out.

OK! Sekarang saat yang tepat buat ngeganti lay out!

Awalnya sih Angie nyari lay out yang simple, warna boleh apa aja. Tapi mungkin karena mood Angie emang sedang sedikit 'kelam' jadi yang kerasa bagus tuh selalu yang gelap2. Jadi Angie pilih skin ini deh. Aslinya skin ini gak bergambar Harry Potter. Berhubung sebentar lagi juga film Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire keluar, ya sekalian aja deh angie ikutan promosi :D

hhhmmmm...seperti biasa, masih gak puas.
Masih pengen perbaiki tampilan shoutbox biar lebih rapih dan matching. Tapi ternyata kerjaan ngebongkar2 skin itu melelahkan ya?? Pusing! Jadi sekarang begini dulu dehhhh.....