But Esther had disappeared and left clues that were visible only to me, as if it were a secret message: I'm leaving.
WHY?
Is that a question worth answering?
No. Because hidden in the answer is my own inability to keep the woman I love by my side. Is it worth finding her and persuading her to come back? Begging and imploring her to give our marriage another chance?
That seems ridiculous: it would be better merely to suffer as I had in the past, when other people I loved had left me. It would be better to just lick my wounds, as I had also done in the past. For a while, I'll think obsessively about her. I'll become embittered, I'll bore my friends because all I ever talk about is my wife leaving me. I'll try to justify what happened, spend days and nights reviewing every moment spent by her side, I'll conclude that she was too hard on me, even thought I always tried to do my best. I'll find other women. When I walked down the street, I'll keep seeing women who could be her. I'll suffer day and night, night and day. This could take weeks, months, possibly a year or more.
Until one morning, I'll wake up and find I'm thinking about something else, and then I'll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised, but it will recover, and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again, I'm sure. When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive - I'll find love again.
Just what I needed.
I knew it. I knew all that was written. It's just been difficult to tell my heart not to take over my head. It's been like hell, trying to shut the heart up. But as I read the above passage, it's as if I'm telling myself what I already knew. It's as if someone's affirming that I could be strong tho currently I feel so weak.
So yes. I could be strong.
Right now, I'm just waiting for today to finally be that someday.
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